Stuck in the Past

It’s late at night, and I’m on my computer, trembling with anxiety.

Just a few moments ago, I was filled to the brim with excitement. All the photos I shared on Google Hangouts were saved to Google Photos, each group of images archived into folders corresponding with which chat they were sent in. I spent the night leafing through these archives, rediscovering an armada of photos that my middle-school self had shared with other people. They ranged from cringy drawings, cursed images, and screenshots of moments from a game called Hunger Games Simulator. I was chuckling at most of the images I found, finding it amusing that I would send such silly photos--

--then, my tune quickly changed as soon as I found a certain set of screenshots.

Screenshots of past conversations, all consisting of drama involving me and a few others.

I skimmed through the text, an uneasy feeling brewing in my gut. Nostalgic feelings turned sour, the smile on my face curved downward, and these anxious emotions grew ferociously as I continued reading. My eyes were glued to the screen; I couldn’t pry them away, despite how disgusting and hostile these words were. My thoughts ran rampant in my head, accelerating to the speed of the bullet train…

...and soon, I was absolutely immersed in them.

I could feel the emotions I felt back then when all hell broke loose; it was practically identical to how my 6th-grade self felt: anger, guilt, sorrow, and so much more. It was almost as if I was being transferred back to that point in time--as if I was devolving back into that 11-year-old kid I once was. It was a surreal nightmare that replayed like a broken record, and soon, I found myself wondering the “what-ifs”. What if I had stopped beating around the bush? What if I had said this or that instead?

What if things were different?

What if things were different, and those arguments were never started, friendships weren’t severed, and she didn’t end up wanting to do those things to herself?

… The night was long after that moment, and for a majority of my early high school years, I was stuck in the past.

It was such a terrorizing experience, getting sudden reminders of all the mistakes I’ve made, all the flawed acts I’ve committed, and how stupid I was. I wanted to change it all so bad, trapping myself in thoughts of alternate timelines where drama played out differently, where I had done something else, or where friendships weren’t utterly ruined--at the same time, I also experienced visions where it was the polar-opposite: where the arguments were much worse, where more toxic energy plagued the air… where she didn’t go back on saying she was going to do that to herself. 

And these thoughts drained me. They drained me so damn much. I remember beginning to perceive people, even myself, as not who they are now, but who they once were. I remember seeing people, who used to be at each other’s necks, interact so happily in the present, and feeling uncomfortable and uneasy witnessing it. Logic told me that these people had changed for the better ever since middle school, but personal emotions influenced me into denying that.

But in the end, logic was right.   

Because yes, the past was rough, riddled with high hurdles and falls--but we managed to survive them. These obstacles are what jumpstarted us into making changes in our life for the greater good, encouraged us to sculpt and build our character, and were overall necessary for us to evolve the people we are today. We sometimes lament about wanting to change the past, but the past is supposed to be imperfect, filled with us making silly mistakes and decisions. If our past was perfect, how would we ever improve from being those cringy past-selves we loathed remembering?

Grounding yourself in the present is easier said than done, and it took quite a lot of practice when I first started doing it. It heavily relies on your own willpower; no one else can do this other than you. You need to learn to catch yourself when you start to be lost in the past, and once you do, you start seeing patterns in what triggers these thoughts. For me, it was looking at documents or screenshots that are connected to a bad personal event from the past. I eventually realized that willingly looking back at these memories would only do more harm than good, which caused me to stop looking at them. Another method that helped me was reminding myself of the current situation after catching myself: “I am Mari. I am currently an incoming junior, not a 6th grader. These people are completely different now, and I’ve repaired my relationship with all of them. We are not the people we used to be.”

Of course, grounding ourselves is different for every person. It might be effortless for some, and really difficult for others--what matters is that throughout the process, you need to will yourself to keep going. Be proactive, because, in the end, it’s you who has to make that decision to free yourself from the past. If you want to not be that person from before or end up making those stupid mistakes, then will yourself to. If you continue striving for this goal, trust me: it will be so worth it in the long run.

Today is yesterday’s tomorrow. Make the change and make yourself more amazing than you ever were, starting now.